If you have been following me for a while, you know that I have just "came out" as asexual. Half of you are aware of what asexuality is because you're not part of the heteronormative or are a well-informed liberal. The rest of you have no clue what I'm talking about, or think I'm making a joke about plants.
Asexuality in humans, which is real and valid, can be confusing to understand, so I'll break it down into simple terms: we could care less about sex in a romantic relationship, married or not. That may be strange to you, but if you were to see the Twitter page AVEN @asexuality, you would see there are millions of people who feel that way, so it's real. It was strange for me, too. I didn't know this was a thing, and therefore I unintentionally rejected this part of me for 20+ years (I'm 27.)
I didn't discover asexuality until 2 years ago. *This next part gets spiritual so if you aren't into that, skip the next few sentences.* It was just one night, God asked me, "How do you really feel about sex?" And I responded, for the first time honestly, "I don't care."
2017 was the year I finally took an introspective look into my sexuality. It made sense because I just finished college, and was therefore far away from the peer pressure and social expectations of public school. I took a lot of quizzes, discovered AVEN, and read many articles on it. I think I just heard the term in my African American History class in college, remembered it had something to do with life without sex, and decided to research it.
The bottom line is, I realized though I was initially curious about it, I could live my whole life not worrying about sex, or ever having it, and that would be completely fine with me. This epiphany changed my life. Before this, I always worried about not being "sexual" enough. I don't particularly dress girly, I dreaded and didn't know how to do "pillow talk", and then there's that whole marriage and baby thing... Just typing about it now makes my stomach turn.
But when I discovered AVEN and finally started using my 5+ year-old Twitter, I finally found the people like me! Unlike some Christians online who were abstinent but we're thrilled for married sex or the more secular people who seemed to obsessively discuss it every day, now I was finding the comments and jokes I could laugh at and feel more comfortable with, even making some of my own.
I can see in the articles and comments habits in my life I couldn't explain before. For example, I remember in middle school a friend asking me if I thought Usher was "sexy." This is not to insult him, but I couldn't care less about Usher's looks, let alone his body. I wasn't into his sex music. I also really didn't care about boys at this point. She made a little joke about the difference between cute and sexy. It was awkward. I thought I should've been more interested. Now, I understand that's just how we aces are.
There were also the times where I had to make up crushes because other students didn't believe me when I said I didn't have any and didn't care. They wouldn't leave me alone until they "knew who it was." You "had" to have a crush in high and middle school. You may say, "Having the crush isn't necessarily about sex," you're right. But being asexual doesn't have a strong interest in the physical. Just because I think you're nice looking, doesn't mean it will develop into a crush. I'm heteromantic, so I have to get to know you for a while to have a crush on you. It's an "ace" thing.
I write all this because it's difficult to be asexual in a predominantly sexualized world, at least in America. That's why asexual representation is needed. No, we didn't go through something like Stonewall, and don't get beat up for not liking sex, but we suffer in a different way. Without asexuality being acknowledged by society, it's like we don't exist. We are invisible, like a ghost who you can't see or hear. Asexuality is right now like a ghost: it's practically impossible to believe it exists. And if you have ever had any type of existential crisis, you know how painful it can be.
Now don't get me wrong. We do have some awesome representatives: ace model Yasmin Benoit, AVEN, that guy from Bojack Horseman (I don't watch the show) etc. But let's add to those. Imagine an asexual rapper on the radio making songs about excluding sex, more asexual tv characters who ditch the conversation when it comes to sex, an asexual romcom sitcom or movie, asexual writers (well I guess you already have that one...) The list can go on and on...
My point is, widespread representation of asexuality can break many boundaries. It can open our world to say, "Hey, we don't have to put sex in every show, and still make it enjoyable." We don't have to define romance through how many times we "do it" per week. Sex doesn't have to be on our mind 24-seven. We don't have to have 1000 censors for our kids because half of the tv shows don't even talk about that kind of stuff.
It took me a while to discover this part of me, and it took me even longer to accept it as okay. The kids right now who will grow up to be asexuals shouldn't have to take that long to discover and embrace who they are.
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